Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I want a musical about memes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
