I wish I could teleport
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
