good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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