I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
