I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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