So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
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Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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