i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
