On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
