Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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