I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
