Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
