all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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