happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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