There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
