Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's never too late to be topless.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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