I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
