My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
