I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
