Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
