saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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