Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
