My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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