Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
