apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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