drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And then my night got REAL pukey
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
