There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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