he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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