Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
