While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
