Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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