Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
