I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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