I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
