Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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