paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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