Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
