I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
