doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
