I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
