I'm so fucking centered right now
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
