On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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