I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
