How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
