my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
