His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
