I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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