She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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