Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
