I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
