So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
