i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
