just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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