i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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