when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
