I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
