Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
