Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
3pm strippers are depressing
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
