Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
