I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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