FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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