What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
