Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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