I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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