We're like a lot better than the average bears
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
