So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
