chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
