every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
